relationship

More and more i'm getting desperate about my relationship with God and having one, rather than a theology, or systems or facts or nice sayings. Having a relationship with an invisible, powerful, loving, awesome, slightly strange, interested, interesting, unpredictable, never changeing God is amazing and some times quite difficult to work out...

so in friendships different things are appropriate at different times.
Like you don't tell someone you've just met the most intimate details of your thoughts...
You don't hold someones hand the first time you meet someone.

So the big question is: are there things in our relationship with God that are not appropriate at differet times or stages.
If relationships develope over time, are different behavours, experssions and ways of relating good at different times?
Do we allow ourselves the time to develope the relationship or do we expect ourselves to have the perfect relationship straight away?

just a quote

A quote which came in to my head.
Not sure who needs to hear it - prob me, but i think it might be for someone else too.

Humilty it not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less
and
Humilty is allowing people to think less of you than you think you deserve.

hmmmm. profound.

ever learn something that blows your mind

Today I read something that totally changed the way i understand a passage in the bible.

i have read John 21 v 15-17 many times, and I've heard sermans on it, but what I found out today is something i haven't heard before, and its exciting (and scary).

In the bible there is this character called Jesus, and he has 12 disciples.
One of whom is called Peter.

Peter famously said that he would never desert Jesus. Ever. Even if everyone else did.
Jesus then tells him that before the cock crows the next morning, peter would have denied knowing him three times.

And thats exactly what happens.

Peter is gutted. He goes from proclaiming just how much he loves Jesus, to totally and utterly failing him.

John 21v15-17 is when Jesus has come back to life, and meets up with Peter again, and they have a converstation a bit like this...

Jesus: Peter do you love me?
Peter: yes, you know i love you.
Jesus: Peter, do you love me?
Peter: Yes, you know I love you.
Jesus: Peter, DO you love me?
Peter: You know everything, you know i love you.

Now i know i have left some stuff out about feeding sheep etc,
but the parts above are what i want to focus on.

I've read that, and heard sermans, about how Jesus asks him three times, because Peter had rejected Him three times.
which is pretty cool.


but... thats not a great translation.
try this.

Jesus: Peter do you totally love me. totally?
Peter: You know I am fond of you.
Jesus: Peter, Do you totally love me?
Peter: You know I am fond of you.
Jesus: Peter, are you fond of me?
Peter: Jesus, you know everything, you know that I am.

now that to me is completely different.
so how did i get there?

In greek there are several different words that into english are translated "love"
"Eros" - sexual love
"Agape" - total sacraficial love
"Phileo" - friendship/fond of type of love
and there are others.

Jesus asks peter the first two times if he "agape" loves him,
and peter replys that he "phileo" loves him.
then the third time Jesus asks whether peter "phileo" loves him. and Peter can reply yes.

This is the man who said that he would never never leave,
now being so humble, that he can only say he "phileo" loves Jesus.
and Jesus says thats ok,
and still commissions Peter to be the rock of his church.

that is mind blowing.

Peter can't even say that he totally and utterly loves Jesus.
He can't say "I will never leave you, or desert you"
He can't say "no matter what comes, what pain i feel, I'm yours"

All he can say is, "You're my friend. You know my heart, probably than I do, you knew it better than me last time."

I think Peter says "you tell me to feed your sheep, but you knew last time i let you down, and you know whether I'll let you down again, i don't trust my heart all i can say is that I am your friend. "

Wow wow wow.
what a difference to how i used to read it.

Work

Currently feeling under a lot of pressure with the amount of work I need to do this week.
You know when everything seems like its crowding in on you, and you don't have the energy to do any of it. Even when its stuff you really want to do.

But i am in luton for this week. As yet with no fixed timetable.
but i think being at home will be good, even if there is a lot of work to do.

Recording

This week I've been recording drums for Kurios' new album.
Its fun. And hard work.

While I've been playing a thought came to me.

If you've never done recording, then imagine sitting in a room, all alone. Totally cut off from everyone else except by a pair of headphones - which someone else controls.

You wait for the click (a metronome) and then you start playing your part.

Now the songs we've recording we have been playing at gigs. I know i can play them. I've played the in front of audiences. But somethings happens when you realise that every note you play, every drum you hit, every sound you make is being recorded. And judged.

Every bit of sound is written on a screen. with lines which tell you how far you missed where you were meant to play it.

You record, and then wait for the people in the control room to tell you how you've done.

Its scary. its total pressure.

At the end of some takes, I go in to the control room and look at what i've played.
its a horrible sight - the computer shows up every mistake, every millisecond I'm out.

Imagine life is like that.

that every thing you do is recorded.
Everything action you make is shown on a screen with your motives, reasons lined up for you to see, and for everyone else to see.

for me thats a scary thought. a very scary though.

if only there was a way to know that as I walk from the recording to the control room that everything i've done is not judged like that.

that thought made me make a mistake as i was playing.
but it was worth it.

a deep thought